


Towels and Suits

by teacup_of_doom



Category: Doctor Who (2005), Hitchhiker's Guide to the Galaxy - Douglas Adams, Men in Black (Movies)
Genre: Gen
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2014-12-20
Updated: 2014-12-20
Packaged: 2018-03-02 13:10:29
Rating: Not Rated
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings, No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 5,911
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/2813141
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/teacup_of_doom/pseuds/teacup_of_doom
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>Agent Jay has plans for his day off - which as always, get thwarted.</p>
            </blockquote>





	Towels and Suits

**Author's Note:**

  * For [Kleenexwoman](https://archiveofourown.org/users/Kleenexwoman/gifts).



> Happy Yuletide Kleenexwoman!
> 
> I really loved all of the prompts that you had - I wish I had time to do more than one! I chose this was, because it tickled my imagination (any my funny bone). I hope you like the fic, and have a happy Yule.

* * *

 

One of the strangest assignments that Jay had ever worked - and considering his job, that was saying something - began as with innocuous, simple investigation into a smuggled shipment of class M weapons from the planet Yemaetrore.

Jay hadn’t expected to be put on any cases at all. Agent O had given them - Jay and Kay - a couple of days off after brutal string of assignments, and Jay intended to use them. He wasn’t sure what Kay _did_ with his days off - or even if he _took_ days off. Whatever Kay chose to do, it had better had been far, far from Jay, at least for one day.

For Jay, days off always started the same way. He woke up at five am, and like the mature adult he was, ate cold cereal with one hand while attempting to play video games with his other hand.

By six am, he’d paused the game enough to change into running gear, and then was back to the video games.

By seven am, Jay’s “get off your ass and run” alarm was blaring at him - again.

At seven oh five am, the alarm let off a piercing shriek that was practically deafening, causing Jay to drop his controller. “ _Alright already! Turn it off!_ ” He yelled over the noise. “ _Turn it off! I surrender_!”

The noise abruptly cut out, only to be replaced by an off-tune series of victory chimes from the alarm clock. Jay glared at the clock. Technically, it wasn’t a clock, but a silicon based life form from Beta-Ziem, which Kay had convinced him to take in before Jay found out that these things were basically tiny war-like _tribbles_ , despite having zero ability to actually _move_ much. As long as they had access to an electricity source and managed to once and awhile beat _something_ at _anything_ they were content in life. Which made them, somehow, decent alarm clocks.

“Didja have to do that?” Jay complained. “I was on a roll and everything.”

The alarm clock blew a raspberry and went into sleep mode.

Jay sniffed. “Yeah, yeah. You go one, ignore me. Next time there’s a spare battery around this place, see if I give it to you.”

The alarm clock gave a piercing wail.

“Ok! Ok! I didn’t mean it!” Jay yelled, backing away quickly. “I’m going! I’m going!” He grabbed his keys and fled.

When he was safely outside the apartment door, Jay added softly. “Kay ever convinces me to take in _anything_ I’m saying no. Never again.”

There was another wail from inside the apartment.

“I didn’t mean that either!” Jay yelled, and then took off before the alarm clock could raise it’s volume more.  “I’m a grown man running from an alarm clock.” He muttered, going down the stairs.

One of his neighbors, overhearing him, replied. “Tell me about it.” Jay grinned.

Half an hour later, Jay was steadily running way across the Brooklyn Bridge, footfalls in sync with his music, the bone conduction headphones (human make, sometimes humans made awesome things) around his head pumping music through his cheekbones. Most of his life was spent staring up at the stars, but every so often, it was nice to disappear in a crowd of humanity. It helped to remind him that being an MIB agent was worth it. Right now, life was good.

Every so often, Jay would pull a little dance move that left at least one tourist laughing - and kept going like nothing had happened, grinning as he did so. His good mood lasted fifteen minutes.

Jay was very pointedly ignoring the sleek, black car that had started coasting alongside him, floating in the air next to the pedestrian walkway. Oddly, the cars that usually backed up the Bridge below the walkway didn’t seem to notice it, and no one else on the walkway paid it much attention - which was pretty normal New Yorker behavior - except for the fact that it was a flying car.

Jay kept running. The driver’s side window of the car rolled down.

“Get in the car Jay.” Kay shouted over Jay’s music.

Jay kept running. “Sorry man, I have no idea who you are.” He quipped.

Kay was unimpressed. “Sport, do not make me land this thing, because I will.”

Jay stopped running. “What am I, twelve?” He asked, gesticulating. “Thanks, but I can walk home all by myself Dad. I’m a big boy now.”

Kay didn’t choose to respond to that statement. Jay was a little affronted. He did not have the maturity of a twelve year old. He was a grown-ass man!

“We have work to do, sport.” Kay said instead. “You’re going to want in on this.”

Jay snorted with laughter. “Uh no. See, what I have,” he pointed to himself, “is a day off. You do remember what a day off is? I mean, I know you probably live in that suit, and aside from a five year stint in the Post Office Twilight Zone where you wore these really strange things called jeans-”

“We’ve got a smuggled shipment of class M weaponry somewhere in Manhattan,” Kay told him. “Now, I don’t know about you, but I don’t want anything remotely near class M near civilians, and if those things fall into human hands, you know we got trouble. The clean-up alone from an accidental discharge would take months.” Almost to himself, Kay said “all that goo, you’d think that-”

Jay cut his partner off by throwing up his hands, Kay had won, he was interested now. “Alright, fine, we can do this. One case. And then I’m going to take the rest of those days off like I’m supposed to.”

“Good. Get in.” Kay reiterated.

“Ah, no. See, what I’m gonna do, is go home, take a shower, put on a suit, and then we can go visit Jeebs.” Jay said. “Sorry Kay, that is non-negotiable. I am not doing MIB work in my sweat pants.”

“You chased a cephalopod in _neon orange pants_ the day I picked you for this job.” Kay retorted.

“That.” Jay said, holding up a hand as if to stop Kay from thinking about it. “Was a long, long time ago. I try not to reflect on my past fashion choices. Things are better now.”

Kay stared at Jay blank faced for a moment, and then huffed, facing forward in the driver’s seat. “Fine. We’ll get you a suit.”

Jay grinned. “That’s what I’m talking about.” Kay turned the car around while Jay boosted himself onto the railing and heaved himself into the car. Kay sped off before Jay could buckle in - as always.

Jay took of his headphones after fastening his seat belt - quickly. “Next time, you could call ahead.” He said. “While we can agree that I pull off these sweatpants pretty damn well - Kay, there’s a small plane and -. Ok, now we’re going over the plane - _and I did not agree to the red button! KAY!_ ”

* * *

Jeeb’s Pawn Shop looked the same as it always had. Ok, so the tv screens flashing what was for sale were new (and probably stolen merchandise), and the paint really, really, needed replacing (there was more on the pavement outside than actually on the building) - it looked the same. Especially on the inside. It was still the same cluttered, grimy, smelly pawn shop.

As always, the bell over the door clanged when they walked in - Kay always went first. Jay didn’t even bother trying to go first anymore. And as always, Jack Jeebs came barreling out from the back of the shop. “Hello, hello!” He began, saw Kay and Jay, yelped, and ran back to where he’d come from.

Kay gave a annoyed groan and started moving towards the back of the shop. “Jeebs, don’t do this.”

“Every time you come in here, I lose a head!” Jeebs yelled. “I’m sick and tired of it!”

“Well maybe you should just tell us what you want to know.” Jay quipped back, following Kay, avoiding as best he could, getting any dust or grime on his suit. (Not that it was possible, these suits were practically everything proof, but there was something human in the attempt to evade dirtying the suit anyway.) “Ever tried it? It might actually be a better plan than, you know, trying to give us the run around.” He had to raise his voice, the interior of the shop just seemed to absorb sound. He stopped behind Kay when the other man came to a halt.

Jeebs was standing, grinning - which was a little horrifying, if Jay was going to be honest - in what appeared to be a shimmering blue bubble.

“What the -” Jay began.

“Contegian force field.” Jeebs laughed, poking the edge of the force field, which rippled. “Impenetrable by any MIB type weaponry. Guaranteed. Try and take my head now, Kay. I win.”

“Uh huh.” Kay said, looking around. “Tell us about the class M shipment. Who ordered them?”

Jeebs snickered disbelievingly. “You’re still asking? I’m not going to tell you anything Kay.”

“I mean it Jeebs, I want to know where shipment is, who ordered them. And I want to know now.”

“Not going to happen. I know nothing, about any shipment, to anyone, for anyone.”

Kay took out his gun and started fiddling with it.

“Really?” Jeebs said, but he sounded somewhat nervous. “I told you, this field is impenetrable with MIB -” Kay was still fiddling. “Jay? What is he doing?”

Jay had spotted what his partner was up to. “Uh, you know man, I don’t know. But I think I’m going to wait and find out.”

Kay had stopped fiddling with the gun, but had left it out, dropped his hand by his side. “Jeebs, you know how this goes, I count to ten, you tell me what I want to know, or I blow your head off.”

Jeebs looked nervously at Jay. “Jay?”

“I would do what the man says Jeebs.” Jay shrugged.

“I’m in a force field!” Jeebs shouted. “You’re still trying this?”

“Ten.” Kay counted.

“Aw, come on. I was just fooling with you.” Jeebs said, eyes darting around the room, concerned, trying to stall for time. Was the force field even working? It was still there.

“Three.” Kay said, deliberately dropping his count. “Last chance Jeebs.”

Jeebs rolled his eyes. “Come on, you’re just -”

Key brought up his arm with the gun in hand. “One.” He said, and fired. Not at the blue bubble, but slightly to the left of it.

The device that had been generating the force field instantly exploded in a flash of blue and green flame - Jay dodged a piece of shrapnel with ease as Jeebs yelped and covered his head- and a second later, the device was gone, and the force field fizzled out of existence. The metal fragments around them all clinked as they cooled.

“Next time you decide to use a force field Jeebs.” Kay helpfully pointed out. “You might want to put the field generator _inside_ the field with you.” His gun was now pointed at Jeebs. “The shipment.” He ordered.

“Ok! Ok!” Jeebs yelled. “I’ll tell you!” He lowered his arms from over his head, but kept his hands up just in case. Kay had an itchy trigger finger with Jeebs. “I got this order for the guns, ok? All off world, they weren’t even supposed to make it on Earth, but there was an issue with my supplier, and they got delivered here instead. Once they were here, I took a look, and I thought, you know, I could, you know, hold some back.”

“What did you do with them, Jeebs?” Jay asked. Kay still hadn’t lowered the gun.

“I wasn’t going to sell them! I swear!” Jeebs lied. “I wouldn’t have gotten a chance to anyway, the people who ordered them called me. And you know what? These people were pieces of shit.” Jeebs said vehemently.

“Jeebs.” Kay said, growing impatient.

“I mean it, they had to be the ugliest things I’d ever seen in the Universe.” Jeebs swore. “And they had _paperwork_.”

Jay had snorted at the ugly comment, but grew serious at the paperwork comment. “Paperwork?” He asked incredulously.

“Stupid, right? Paperwork for smuggling weapons? I told them they could suck it, I wasn’t going to put my name on a chain of custody form, and that I was sending the weapons back to Yemaetrore.” Jeebs hesitated. “Which, I was absolutely going to do, I swear.”

“You need to start getting your stories straight.” Kay suggested.

Jeebs glared at the senior agent, and then thought better of it. “Yeah, well, these assholes didn’t buy it either. Next thing I know, they’re all angry and their representative? It starts _reciting poetry_.”

“Come again?” Jay snorted. “Poetry?”

Jeebs was annoyed that Jay didn’t believe him. “Yeah, really. Poetry You think I’d make this crap up? Poetry, really _bad_ poetry. It was excruciating. So bad I couldn’t even move to turn the vid screen off. If you ever got a book of this stuff you’d rather throw in the blender and pulp it down so no one would ever be able to read it. _It exploded my head_.”

“ _Poetry_ exploded your head?” Jay snickered. “Seriously? That’s what you’re going to use? Come on, Jeebs, you can do better than that, man.”

“Alright, that’s enough.” Kay said, cutting Jay off. He put his gun down. “Jeebs, what you are going to do, is hand those weapons over to the MIB _without protest_. If I find anyone wandering the streets of New York with one of those, or if you’ve held any back for yourself, you will be extremely sorry.”

Jeebs was spluttering in outrage. “Kay, I’m losing money on this!”

“Should have thought of that before you’d smuggled the weapons.” Kay responded, and turned, making to go. “And got involved with who you did. Come on Slick,” he said, addressing Jay. “We’re done here.”

Jay, who, like Jeebs, had been waiting for Kay to blow Jeebs’ head off, watched his partner turn the corner in surprise. He and Jeebs shared a brief moment of confused commiseration, before Jay shrugged and followed Kay, leaving Jeebs standing in his smouldering backroom, wondering if he’d missed something.

Kay was standing outside the pawn shop by the time that Jay made it to the front of the shop, so he stepped out and stood beside the older man, both watching specimens of humanity as they wandered by.

“So.” Jay said. “Not taking out your anger management issues on Jeebs today?”

“Even if I was going to do it,” Kay responded. “The Vogons already did it to that piece of shit, and better than I could.”

“Vogons?”

Kay looked at Jay. “Poetry.” He said inexplicably, and walked towards the car.

“No seriously,” Jay called after him. “What are Vogons? And what the hell do they have to do with poetry?”

* * *

They had got lunch before Kay felt it necessary to explain what a Vogon was.  

“Jeebs got one thing right,” he said around the plain bagel with cream cheese he’d ordered. “Vogons are one of the ugliest species in the Universe.”

“Never took you for someone who put all that much stock in physical appearance.” Jay quipped. “You know, with all this” he made an open-fingered gesture at Kay’s face. “going on.”

Kay gave him a “I’m not sure what you’re doing or talking about, but stop it” look. He’d done it so often over the years that it didn’t phase Jay. Kay shook his head and returned to his bagel.

“Vogons are bad tempered, haven’t had an individual thought of their own in the entire existance of their species, and worst of all, they’re bureaucratic.”

Jay shrugged. “We deal with bureaucracy on a daily basis.”

“This is worse.” Kay responded. “Vogons _live_ for this stuff. They wouldn't even lift a finger to save their own grandmothers from the Ravenous Bugblatter Beast of Traal without orders - signed in triplicate, sent in, sent back, queried, lost, found, subjected to public inquiry, lost again, and finally buried in soft peat for three months and recycled as firelighters.” He said vehemently. "The more red tape, the better."

Jay watched his partner cautiously. “Bad memories?”

Kay didn’t answer that, as the answer was obvious. “And Jeebs was right about the poetry.”

“Ok?” Jay said.

“Vogon poetry is the third worst poetry in the Universe.” Kay explained. “Never let them read it to you. It’s used as a torture device. And it’s lethal.”

Jay took this in with only half a grin - Kay wasn't probably joking. Kay finished his bagel, and not waiting for Jay to finish his (rye with smoked salmon), put the car in drive.

“Where are we going?” Jay asked, buckling in as fast as he could.

“Vogons are creatures of bureaucracy.” Kay said, weaving through traffic. “They destroyed the Earth a few times to make room for an interstellar bypass.”

Jay raised his eyebrows. “Uh, Kay, the Earth is still here.”

“Depends on what probability you’re looking at.” Kay stated.

“You’ve been having long and interesting talks with Griffin again, haven’t you?” Jay asked accusingly.

Kay ignored him. “If the Vogons are amassing weapons, they’re probably going to try it again. What we need, is information, and something the Vogons will be absolutely terrified of.”

“Which would be?”

“The complete antithesis of bureaucracy.” Kay said. “We’re going to Times Square.” As an afterthought, he added. “Bring the towels in the trunk with us.”

“Towels? Dude, why would we need towels?”

“Never go anywhere without a towel.” Kay insisted, and Jay stared at his partner like he’d just grown a second head.

* * *

Times Square was a tourist trap. You wouldn’t find New Yorkers lingering there unless they had to. Aliens however, were a different matter. There was so much weirdness around there that most people overlooked it. (Which is why the fact that the Naked Cowboy was _not actually an alien_ made little sense to Jay.)

When they’d parked the car - where they probably should have been towed, but also very probably wouldn’t be, because Kay was the one who parked it - Kay made a beeline for what, to Jay, looked like modern art piece. Why else would a police box from the nineteen-sixties be there?

“So, what?” Jay asked Kay when they approached the box, towels (black MIB issue) slung over their shoulders. “Is this thing some sort of secret entrance? Because we’ve got our own to headquarters right over there.”

“We’re here to see an old friend of mine.” Kay elaborated. “I wasn’t sure if he was still in town.”

“And he said to meet him around here?”

“No.” Kay said, and then knocked on the door of the blue police box.

The door flew open with alacrity. Jay was suddenly greeted with a vision of a tall, bald, big-eared man with an extremely wide and cheerful grin, wearing a leather jacket. “Sorry, no solicitation.” The man said with a British accent, and slammed the door shut again.

Jay stared at the chipping blue paint. “Uh…”

Kay lifted his hand to knock again, when the door was flung open once more.

“Kay!” The man yelled, grinning like a lunatic. He crossed his arms and leaned against the door-jam of the police box. “You old rascal. What are you doing here?”

“I could ask you the same thing.” Kay retorted. “This is the one thousand eight hundred and forty second time you’ve landed on the island of Manhattan without first filing landing clearances, or flight patterns.”

For some reason, being chided just made the other man grin wider. “Eh, paperwork. It never agreed with me. Makes me break out in a rash.” He turned his attention to Jay, as Kay didn’t seem to be rising to the bait. “And who is this?”

Jay stuck out his hand. “Agent Jay, I’m Agent Kay’s partner.”

The seemingly British man grinned, and stepped out of the box, the door swinging shut behind him so that J couldn’t get a good look inside. “Hello hello! Lovely to finally meet you for the first time. It’s been a while since I saw you last. I’m the Doctor.”

Jay couldn’t help smiling back - it was the exuberance, which could probably be weaponized. “Uh, you mean it’s nice to finally meet me, period?”

“Nope.” The Doctor grinned. “Now then, Kay’s got his “i need help or information” face on. Why don’t you come inside, and we’ll have a cuppa, if I can find the kettle.” The Doctor turned and opened the door to the police box, and disappeared inside. Kay followed without preamble.

Jay stood, stunned, outside the box. He looked at it. There was no way three people could fit inside this thing. “Wouldn’t it make more sense to talk out here?” He yelled. “It’s a small box, we can’t possibly all fit in there,  and I am _not_ talking to someone’s elbow.”

Kay appeared in the doorway. “Slick, just get in here.” He disappeared again.

Jay waited a couple of seconds, and then put his hand on the door of the police box, and withdrew it almost immediately. The police box was warm, almost as if it was organic in nature. He put his hand on the door again, and then deciding to leap before looking, pushed the door open and went inside.

Only to back out of the police box immediately, eyes wide. Both Kay and the Doctor appeared at the doorway. “Something wrong, hoss?’ Kay asked.

“That - that is not possible.” Jay spluttered, pointing towards the box.

“What isn’t?” The Doctor said cheekily.

“That - it’s.” Jay glared at Kay. The older man was laughing at him without moving his face, J knew it. It was the crinkling around the eyes. He could tell. “ _It’s bigger on the inside_.” Jay said vehemently.

Both Kay and the Doctor laughed. “I love when people that.” The Doctor said between chuckles. “Yes, yes it is. Come on in, make yourself at home.”

When Jay was inside staring around at everything, the Doctor explained things - “this is my ship, it’s called the TARDIS.”

“You’re an alien, you just sound like you’re British.” Jay asked.

“Yup.” The Doctor said. “I like jolly old England. They gave me citizenship a while back, and a title.”

“You’re a British alien who has a physics defying ship.” Jay said, deadpan. "How do you even know Kay?"

“I've known Kay for ages and well, human physics.” The Doctor specified, waving a hand dismissivly. “The ship’s full name is Time and Relative Dimension in Space. Your people have a lot to unlearn about physics, just saying."

Jay found that there was nothing he could say to that. He took to staring at the organic nature of the walls instead.

“Now, what brings you around?” The Doctor asked Kay. “How long has it been since I last saw you?”

“Nineteen seventy nine.” Kay said. “The Hepalax thing.”

“Right!” The Doctor said. “That was fun. I mean, not for the Hepalax, but...

 Jay asked “The what?”

“I need to know what the Vogons are up to.” Kay said to the Doctor, and now both of them were ignoring Jay. “They’ve been implicated in smuggling class M weapons.”

The Doctor frowned. “Vogons? They haven’t attempted to do anything to Earth since the last time the Earth was put right - and they don’t usually smuggle anything unless they’re up to something. It goes against their bureaucratic principles. That’s troubling.”

“The treaty between Constant Mown and Arthur Dent prevented the Vogons doing anything to Earth ever again.” Kay said. “And Prostetnic Jeltz -”

“Probably still wants to obliterate the Earth because he _can_ ” the Doctor finished. “and if he can manage it without his son knowing, so much the better. Well. Only thing for it then.” He crossed to what looked like an eight sized column rising from the central platform. “We’ll have to go find Constant Mown and let him know what dear old retired daddy is up to.”

“Sorry, we’re going to go tattle on this guy to his son?” Jay asked. “ And his name is seriously _Constant Mown_?”

“Absolutely, but Prostetnic Jeltz is most likely to listen to his son than anyone else .” The Doctor grinned. “Tattling is great - no guns, no shooting, just a nice chat and then maybe I’ll take you on a jaunt somewhere else - how do you feel about Orion’s belt?”

Jay stared. “Uh, Kay, what is he talking about?” He asked, not taking his eyes off the Doctor.

“We’re going to another planet.” Kay said, and he’d moved towards a railing, holding the railing with both hands.

“What?” Jay yelped. “Ok, hold up.”

The Doctor rolled his eyes. “We’re going to go to the Restaurant at the End of the Universe - which is where Constant Mown is holded up these days - and tell him that his father is about to break an international treaty. With any luck, Constant will take that to his superiors on his planet, and it’ll be taken care of. And we’ll go in unannounced - Vogons hate surprises. Well, most do.”

“What do you mean by the ‘end of the universe’?…” Jay asked.

“I did say that my ship was _Time_ and Relative Dimensions in Space, didn’t I?” The Doctor grinned. “We’re going to go visit the end of the universe. And get a bite to eat while we’re at it.”

Jay suddenly had a very bad feeling about this. He laughed nervously and backed towards the door. “You know what? Kay? I think you got this. I’m - uh - just going to go back outside, and get the car - and - uh - tell O the situation. I’ll see you when you get back.”

“Get over here Jay.” Kay said, watching the Doctor, who was running about the column.

“Uh. No, if that’s ok with you.” Jay said, he was now trying to open the door to the TARDIS, which was locked. “I have done this time travel shtick, and uh. No. I’m good, thank you. Doctor, it was nice meeting you. We’ll have to do this again sometimes.”

“Too late! We're off!” The Doctor crowed, and suddenly the world seemed to lurch and go sideways. With a yell, Jay found himself flying across the domed interior of the TARDIS, landing with an oddly soft thump on one side, as the Doctor yelled in excitement. Below him, Kay watched Jay’s flight with a shake of his head, and continued holding the railing before him with a death grip.

The Doctor pushed another lever, and Jay flew across the TARDIS dome again, yelling, as they (apparently?) had changed direction. The creaking, groaning noise inside the TARDIS was deafening, with the exception of Jay’s yelling.

With a jarring screech, the TARDIS scraped to a halt. Jay hit a wall again, face first, and then slid down in a crumple to the floor with a moan.

The Doctor grinned as he sauntered over to help Jay up from the floor. “Welcome to Milliways - also known as the Restaurant at the End of the Universe.”

Jay flailed around, trying to get his bearings. “Why is it called that? How do you have a restaurant at the physical end of the Universe?”

“Because that’s where it is.” The Doctor explained. “It’s at the literal end of the universe - temporally and physically.”

“ _What_?” Jay asked.

“Welcome to the year one hundred and seventy thousand million billion, and the end of life, the universe, and everything, Agent Jay” the Doctor said, clapping him on the back. “Well, one of the ends at any rate. Come on, I wonder if they still serve those shrimp puffs.”

Jay shook his head as he walked behind K and the Doctor - only stopping to realize that he wasn’t on Earth anymore when he had the chance to look out the window. For a minute, he stared at the open expanse of space, in awe. “Woah.” He whispered.

Someone said beside him. “It’s beautiful isn’t it, Jay?” They said quietly. “Finally seeing what the stars look like when they’re not millions of miles above you?”

“Yeah.” Jay said, stunned. “Really.” He turned to the speaker. It was a tall man with messy hair, wearing a brown suit, a long brown trench coat. He grinned at Jay, and there was something really strangely familiar about him. “Sorry man, who are you?”

“Jay!” K yelled from somewhere down the hallway they’d landed on. Jay left the window and the still grinning man, and hurried towards the sound of Kay’s voice.

Over the loudspeaker, as they were walked into the restaurant by a helpful maitre’d, Jay could hear. It was slowing starting to sink in what was going on. Someone helpfully passed Jay a glass of champagne. The main dining room was packed - there were thousands of species having meals - quite a few that Jay wasn’t able to identify.

He drifted to a spot next to Kay. “There he is.” The Doctor was saying, pointing to a far corner. There, in a table that was somehow in it’s own bubble of solitude amidst the chaos, were five human sized blobs bent over a table.

As they approached, Jay found the blobs grew more into focus, and wanted to recoil in horror. “Damn.” The agent said, “Jeebs was not lying, these dudes are nasty.” They were large, grey, flat faced (really), big lipped, knobby hunchbacks that were actually taller than a human, close up. They also smelled - badly.

“That is not very nice.” Said one of the blobs, turning around. “To be fair, which I have no intention of being - humans, to a Vogon, are repulsive.”

Jay raised his eyebrows and spread open his hands, not jostling his glass of chanpagne. “Sorry man, I meant no offense.”

“Well, offense taken.” Said the Vogon snidely.

It was impossible to tell which one was Constant Mown - all of the Vogons wore suits. The Doctor, however, didn’t seem to have that trouble. “Constant!” He smiled at one of the suited Vogons on the right. “How are you?”

“Doctor.” The son of Prostetnic Jeltz said in a scratchy voice. “I’m doing well.” He said. “Didn’t my father have poetry read to you last month?”

“Did he?” The Doctor sounded oddly delighted. “I’m sure it wasn’t too bad.”

Constant Mown shrugged. It took a lot longer than it should have - places rolled that Jay wasn’t sure should be doing that. “I dunno, you escaped. Father wasn’t pleased.”

The Doctor nodded. “Constant, these are Agents Kay and Jay from Earth.”

Constant Mown seemed to smile - Jay fought the urge to flinch away. “Humans! Hello!”

Kay gave what was - for Kay - a friendly smile. “Hello. We’re with the agency that polices and monitors all alien activity on Earth.”

There were pleased grumbles and grunts from the gathered Vogons. “We are pleased to speak with any representatives of a law enforcement agency.” Constant said, oddly amicably for his species.

“Thank you.” Kay said congenially. “We’re actually here on the account of your father.”

Constant moaned. “What has he done this time?”

“We believe that he is involved in shipping class M weaponry through Earth. We don’t know if he is actually planning an assault on Earth at this time, however -”

The Vogons assembled grunted. A couple let off flatulence. Jay fought the urge to step back and gag.

“I will speak with him.” Constant said. “And I shall bring the matter to the Galactic Law Enforcement agency as an urgent matter. If my father attempts to try and wipe out Earth again - illegally - there will be consequences.”

“Thank you.” Kay said. “We will, naturally, keep you updated in case anything comes up.”

Constant Mown grunted, and then turned to Jay. “You are welcome to stay and share our meal.” He said “unlike most of our species, we like humans.”

“We find you fascinating.” Said one of the other Vogons, peering interestedly at Kay.

“Perhaps we can read you some of our poetry?” Said a young one, hopefully.

As one, all three time travellers began taking steps backward, away from the table. “Thank you.” Jay said diplomatically. “That’s really nice of you, but we’d better be going.”

“Some other time.” The Doctor said helpfully. “We’ve got to look for some shrimp puffs.”

They fled back towards the TARDIS. As they disappeared, J could hear one of the Vogons comment sulkily, “no one ever wants to hear our poetry.” Constant, before they left the main dining room called out “give my regards to Arthur and Random Dent!”

They also broke into Milliways kitchen as part of a detour in getting back to the TARDIS. The shrimp puffs were quite good. Even if they were stolen, carried off in MIB issue towels.

* * *

Instead of going _straight back home_ as Jay would have liked, the Doctor did as he’d promised and taken them to Orion’s belt, which Jay had actually enjoyed, and then several other places by virtue of the fact that apparently the Lord of Time (Jay hadn’t even been aware that was a thing) couldn’t control where his ship went.

There had been a lot of screaming (on Jay’s part mostly), a lot of running, too many near deaths for anyone’s comfort (Jay’s suit had actually been torn) and when they finally made it home, Jay wasn’t sure he’d ever been so grateful to see Times Square in his life.

Jay followed Kay out of the TARDIS dazedly. Kay, naturally, seemed unscathed by their ordeal. The Doctor leaned on the doorframe of the TARDIS with a soft smile. He seemed sad to see them go. “You’ve got a few days off left.” He told Jay.

Jay grinned at him. “Thanks man. That was...something. I am not looking forward to writing the report on this, but wow.”

“You could always come with me.” The Doctor offered, his smile genuine, and J was struck by how much he wanted to say yes. Traveling with this dude was like his normal life, but more out in the universe.

Kay precluded any answer Jay would have given. “Don’t try and steal my partner.” Kay said lowly.

The Doctor winked at Jay. “Wouldn’t dream of it.” He said. Jay didn’t believe it for a second.

“He’s important to Earth.” Kay warned. “And he typically hates time travel.”

“That is kind of true.” Jay said, pointed to Kay. “Sorry man, I’ve done it a couple of times, and while this was fun - let’s just say time travel does not agree with me.”

The Doctor nodded, somehow knowingly. “I’ll you both around then.” He said, unfolding his arms. “Next time, I’ll take you to Veta Sigmus a hundred years from now, Jay. You always did like it there.” He beamed at Jay, and retreated into the TARDIS.

Jay stared at the door, and then turned to Kay. “Did he just say that I time travel again, cause I am so not down with that.”

Kay’s mouth twitched, and Jay felt that bad feeling again. “Kay?” He asked, worried.

Kay’s phone beeped. He pulled it out, spoke to whomever it was on the phone, and put the phone away again. “We’ve got a case of a rogue Terllanian again.” He told Jay.

“Uh, no.” Jay said, “I’ve still got a day off. I said one case, that was it. I am going home, trashing this suit, and - Kay, I mean this. Stop walking towards the car. Kay, I am not coming.”

Fin

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 


End file.
